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A Stalker & the Saddest Birthday Party Ever – The Ashley’s Reality Roundup

A Stalker & the Saddest Birthday Party Ever – The Ashley's Reality Roundup
“That is my glad face.”

(Observe: Sure, The Ashley is aware of that is final week’s episode…some day she is going to compensate for recapping…)

Howdy, fellow trash TV lovers! It’s been some time since we’ve checked in with the gals of Teen Mother OG, and, since The Ashley missed a number of episodes between recaps, let’s first make amends for what occurred because the final recap: Maci complained about everybody in her life, Amber complained about everybody in her life, and Tyler complained about everybody in his life.

So principally….enterprise as traditional in ‘Teen Mother’ Land.

We kick off this episode down in Tennessee, the place Maci continues to be reeling from Jen and Larry‘s “informal” suggestion that Bentley change to a personal faculty that principally prices extra for a semester than two “Mommy Makeovers,” a rehab keep and a pair remedy horses.

She’s not thrilled that her almost-in-laws put this concept into Bentley’s public-school-educated head, however she’s refraining from strangling them… at the very least on-camera, anyway.

Bentley is about to start out fourth grade (at no cost!) Maci and Taylor “casually” lie in mattress (with an MTV digital camera crew filming at their ft, naturally), and marvel over the truth that Bentley goes to be 10 years previous quickly.  The subsequent morning, Taylor releases a full-diapered “oopsie child” on Bentley to wake him up for college.

Nothing fairly says “Rise and Shine!” like getting a whiff of your brother’s crap very first thing within the morning!

“In honor of your first day of faculty, I’ve received my diaper all loaded up for ya!”

Later, each Taylor and Maci gown head-to-coffee-cup in TTM gear to take Bentley to high school, leaving the “Oopsie Infants” with a “babysitter” (aka no matter MTV manufacturing assistant drew the shortest straw).

As soon as they pull as much as the varsity, Bentley refuses to permit Maci to stroll him into his class, marking the primary time he’s been embarrassed to have his buddies see his mother (and her MTV digital camera crew). Maci sheds a number of tears.

Later, Producer Jenni is curious if Bentley’s dad, the hapless Ryan, bothered to roll off no matter good friend’s flooring mattress he’s most probably napping on to want his son a cheerful first day of faculty.

Ha ha! Good one, Jenni! Yeah, that absolutely occurred…about the identical time Gary was educating an aerobics class and hawking FitTea on the Instagram!

“They make me ask this crap… I swear.”

Maci confirms that Ryan didn’t textual content Bentley that day…or any day lately…or ever.

Over in Michigan, Catelynn and Tyler have found that it’s been virtually a yr since they’ve seen Carly. It’s her birthday that day, so Cate and Ty are celebrating…by consuming quick meals to-go salads.

And, as a result of somebody talked about “Carly,” their overly keen adoption counselor, Daybreak, has to name up.

“It’s pleased birthday day…for Carly, are you able to consider it’s been 9 years?” a chipper Daybreak asks, as Catelynn actually shovels chunks of romaine into her mouth.

Cate says that “Nova” demanded they’ve a celebration and cake, because it’s Carly’s birthday.

(Um…are we positive it wasn’t a present producer who was being pressured into arising with a narrative line for these knuckleheads that doesn’t contain Tyler’s dumpster hearth household and/or Catelynn want for or lack of remedy horses?)

“Did any person say CARLY?”

Tyler shouts that they’re planning to make Carly a birthday video, and Daybreak talks over him to provide them the spiel about how pleased with them she is, and the way they made the appropriate selection for Carly…blah blah blah.

If Tyler rolled his eyes any more durable, I feel they’d come out and land proper in his Cobb Salad!

Lastly they get Daybreak to cease operating her lure and hold up.

Tyler is clearly lovin’ this convo…

They sprint on right down to the bakery and purchase a cake for Carly. They’re hoping it’ll make Nova comfortable, because the child’s been in a piss-poor temper all day. (Go determine.) She’s within the bathtub, screaming for Catelynn, as Cate is out entrance entertaining the “social gathering visitors,” which embrace Tyler’s mother Kim (who’s already slugging down Coronas) and Lexi, who’s the daughter of Tyler’s sister Amber. (She’s in all probability simply pleased to be hanging out in a spot that has operating water.)

Nova is having an entire meltdown as a result of Catelynn gained’t are available there and throw water on her head (or one thing), and Lexi seems like she’s about two seconds away from diving headfirst into the cake, Nova and desk manners be damned!

Lastly, Catelynn provides in and goes and bathes Nova, as Tyler runs into the kitchen to pout that it’s no truthful that nobody likes him or no matter. Kim tells Tyler that it’s not good to let Nova all the time have her approach…however then reverses that assertion and says, “That’s old-school I assume!”

Umm….?

Tyler tells Kim that their counselor stated Nova is clinging to Cate proper now as a result of she’s frightened that Cate goes to high-tail it again to Horse Camp and depart her alone…once more.

In the meantime, Amber continues to be dwelling like a “boss” in Los Angeles. (By that I imply she’s been sporting sun shades whereas mendacity in mattress.) Nevertheless, it’s time to return to slumming it in Indiana, and Amber just isn’t excited.

When your future on crappy actuality TV exhibits is so brilliant you must put on shades…inside…in mattress…

Producer David is  in Indiana, chatting with Kristina about her current miscarriage. It’s not a humorous or glad dialog, so we’re simply going to skip proper on by means of this half…

Quickly, California Amber and her sun-kissed crew come clankin’ up the street. (Cue the theme track from ‘The Beverly Hillbillies!’) She’s there to see Leah and she or he simply bursts by way of the door after bellowing, “COMING IN!”

Kristina hears Amber’s screeching and provides a lofty roll of the attention.

“If solely we had a doorbell, she wouldn’t should barge her method in and yell like a derelict to announce her arrival…oh, wait…”

“BOOGER BUTT!” Amber screams as she tries to hug Leah, who barely seems to be up from her drawing.

Subsequent, we head over to Texas the place it’s shifting day for Bristol. She takes a break from supervising the movers to talk together with her sister Piper and provides her a FaceTime tour of the brand new home. Whereas Bristol’s celebrating her new home, Dakota isn’t so comfortable, as his residence in Kentucky was damaged into the night time earlier than.

“It was the stalker, for positive,” Bristol says. “He has it on digital camera.”

Bristol ought to paste this photograph on her door to maintain The Stalker away…

MTV then enlightens us to the truth that some man has been stalking Bristol and her household since Bristol was only a knocked up teenager, and Sarah was peering out her window, on the lookout for Russia.

He was out and in of jail however he’s now on the run, which scares Bristol.

“I’m now on my own with the youngsters…in a home…in Texas…four,000 miles away from just about anybody I do know!” Bristol says.

“And you haven’t any pals!” Piper chimes in.

Geez, why don’t you simply print out MapQuest instructions to your home and mail them to The Stalker, whereas portray “Come and Get Us!” in your door?

In the meantime in Tennessee, at Jen and Larry’s home, a pregnant Mackenzie seems. Though she made an enormous present out of “quitting” ‘Teen Mother,’ her mug has popped up a number of occasions this season. Ryan is nowhere to be see, although.

“Ryan’s out feeding the poor, serving to stray kittens and studying to the blind. Yeah, that’s it!”

Everyone seems to be homosexual and merry..till they’ve to inform Producer David that Ryan has “checked himself” right into a long-term rehab facility. Jen emphasizes that this a “90-day INTENSIVE rehab facility.”

Please let Butch be his Rehab Camp Counselor!

Ryan’s final rehab keep  was apparently lower than efficient (go determine), so he’s giving it one other shot. Jen says they’re not allowed to speak to Ryan for seven days. (Hopefully Mackenzie continues to be allowed to write down him letters. In any case, all of us know she’s nice at doing that!)

“They’re very strict,” Jen says. “He will get two telephone calls every week for 10 minutes.”

So….it’s like…jail? Do individuals put on jumpsuits, type rehab jail gangs and battle over Prime Ramen noodles?

Additionally, I’m positive Ryan’s all damaged up about not having to with the ability to name Mackenzie and take heed to her yap about her being pregnant hemorrhoids, that gosh-dern evil Maci, and so forth.

Like the remainder of us, Producer David needs the actual story about how Ryan– the self-proclaimed King of Rehabilitated ‘Teen Mother’ Dads– ended up in an intensive rehab facility. The entire gang simply begins speaking directly, muttering issues like “he picked the place…” “he knew he needed to go…”

“I’d guess my Man Earrings y’all are mendacity!”

Whereas everyone seems to be speaking, nobody is wanting up. Their eyes are all fastened on the bottom.

Lastly, Jen admits that Ryan did “relapse” however then shortly corrects herself, stating that it was a “slip.”

Um… calling it a “slip” makes it sound like Ryan was outdoors within the yard skipping, misplaced his footing and by chance landed on a syringe full of heroin!

“Somewhat heroin by no means harm nobody…oh, wait…”

In fact, Ryan “slipping” means that he’s going to absent on the day his spawn is shot out of Mackenzie’s loins.

“If I didn’t love Ryan, I might name him probably the most egocentric a**gap ever for lacking this,” Mackenzie says, earlier than saying that it’s for one of the best if Ryan’s getting assist.

The gang admits to being unhappy that they’ll have to tell Bentley that Daddy Dearest is again in The ‘Hab.

I don’t find out about the remainder of you, however I BLAME MACI FOR ALL OF THIS.

Again in Michigan, Catelynn, Tyler and their unhappy get together crew gathers round Carly’s birthday cake.

Even Nova is aware of this can be a dangerous concept…

All of them start to sing “Pleased Birthday” to Carly (which isn’t bizarre in any respect…stated nobody…) Cate and Ty each movie the track in order that they will ship the video to Carly, because the ‘Teen Mother’ movie crew zooms in to seize each creepy second of this. (Oh, BrandonandTeresa are simply going to love this!)

Nova blows out the candle “for Carly” and everybody cheers. Cate then confirms that they’ve had a creepy party sans Carly yearly since her start.

“No less than we didn’t drag out the blanket we’ve with Carly’s face on it and sing to that…this time!”

Later, after considering that the birthday video will hit BrandonandTeresa “within the feels,” Cate contacts them to see if they will organize a go to with their long-lost daughter, because it’s been over a yr since they final noticed her.

Teresa responds (type of) however doesn’t appear thrilled about Cate & Co. coming down for a go to.

“At the least Daybreak says we’re cool!”

Lastly, Teresa tells them to not make plans to return there as a result of they’re “working by means of” some issues with Carly, who is seemingly having hassle comprehending her “very totally different story.”

I assume not everyone’s mother and father acquired knocked up at 16, positioned them up for adoption (in entrance of MTV cameras) after which talked about it on TV for A DECADE, huh? That creepy cake video in all probability didn’t assist issues alongside, both.

“Teresa says Carly simply must mature some,” Catelynn says.

Um…Carly’s not the one one…simply sayin’.

Cate is indignant that Teresa isn’t begging them to return and unload their decade of luggage on her baby…after which speak about it on nationwide tv. Catelynn presses for more information however Teresa principally tells her to again the f**okay off, go sing to a cake and depart the parenting  of Carly to them.

Cate and Ty vow to maintain badgering BrandonandTeresa to allow them to see Carly.

“It’s virtually like they don’t need us to return on the market or one thing!”

They finish the phase by doing a cartoon of Carly’s identify…that slowly blows away within the wind.

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS ACT LIKE THIS KID IS DEAD?! Jesus God Leah!

Lastly, they drag out trusty Adoption Counselor Daybreak to “get some recommendation” on how you can make BrandonandTeresa do what they need in regard to Carly.  Tyler says he’s grown up in the previous few years (although he nonetheless clothes like a confused center faculty child making an attempt to be Justin Bieber), and he’s accepted that Carly just isn’t their youngster.

Daybreak, as per regular, is talking in riddles. She tells them to create “a gentle touchdown dialog” with BrandonandTeresa. Tyler appears to get what she’s saying although: principally, cease calling these individuals and demanding crap, and check out being serious about them for a change.

In the meantime in Indiana, Gary settles down into his trusty recliner to talk with Amber, Andrew and the producers…about Kristina’s tubes.

“Collect ’spherical everybody! It’s time for an additional awkward dialog about reproductive elements!”

“We’re achieved having youngsters!” Gary broadcasts, pointing at Kristina. “She had her tubes tied!”

Um…shouldn’t Amber hand out the “I Love California” T-shirts and keychains earlier than everybody begins speaking about Kristina’s woman elements?

Gary then reveals that he’s about to get a vasectomy, which simply makes for an actual nice psychological image. Amber asks why he’s getting snipped, and he says it’s as a result of Kristina had a miscarriage, regardless of being “tied.” Amber then reveals that she, too, had a miscarriage whereas she was with Matt.

To cheer issues up a bit, Gary takes out the ol’ garden chairs and assembles them on the grass. Gary tells Kristina that he’s determined to undergo with the vasectomy, partially to stop Kristina from having to undergo one other miscarriage.

“These are my outdoors relaxin’ chairs!”

Over in Texas, Bristol says she’s had the fixed menace of The Stalker for 10 years. As an alternative of shopping for an ultra-expensive safety system, although, Bristol decides to go all “Jennifer Lopez in ‘Sufficient’” and study self protection so she will shield herself and the youngsters from The Stalker.

She’s studying all types of strikes whereas on her again (which, as we all know, is a place Bristol is quite snug in).

“For those who’re actually scared, I’d be prepared to face in entrance of your home and inform tales about my vasectomy. That’ll scare anybody away!”

As soon as she’s able to battle The Stalker (and/or Farrah Abraham ought to she determine that she’s going to grow to be a professional wrestler or one thing), Bristol calls up Dakota to talk. She apologizes that the Palin Stalker has now concerned Dakota. He’s upset as a result of he says he tried to warn Bristol that this is able to occur and she or he refused to pay attention.

“I don’t need to sit right here and act like I do nothing about it!” Bristol says.

I imply…like, she took one self protection class. What extra does Dakota need!?

Um…did The Stalker assault these denims? That’s truthfully the one acceptable rationalization for her sporting these issues…

Quickly the exes are bickering and Dakota hangs up.

Lastly, we examine in with Cheyenne as a result of…nicely, we’ve to, I assume. Principally, she made up with Zach over quick meals and low cost wine, after which broke the information to Cory, who appeared mad, doubtless as a result of he hoped to take his hose to Cheyenne’s woman backyard himself.

“We’re not collectively however we’re engaged on our relationship,” Cheyenne explains to Cory relating to her and Zach. “We’re having constructive conversations.”

“That doesn’t make sense to me,” Cory says.

Um…welcome to the membership, Cory. Nothing this woman does makes any sense. Ever. I imply, this is identical chick who wore a thong bathing go well with at a household social gathering so….

This principally sums up how The Ashley feels about Cheyenne’s segments…

Later, Cory, Cheyenne and Cheyenne’s oddly named sister, RKO KardashiaLynn, go go to Cheyenne’s dad. All of them yell at Cheyenne for getting again with Zach. It’s extra mind-numbing than watching Gary nap in his yard recliner. I can’t with this one, guys…sorry…

That’s all for this week!

To learn The Ashley’s earlier ‘Teen Mother OG’ recaps, click on right here!

(Pictures: MTV)

Tags:
Amber Portwood, Andrew Glennon, Bristol Palin, Catelynn Lowell, Cheyenne Floyd, Cory Wharton, Dakota Meyer, Gary Shirley, Kristina Shirley, Maci Bookout, Mackenzie Edwards, Recaps, Rehab, Ryan Edwards, Teen Mother, Teen Mother OG, Teen Mother OG Season 7B, Teen Mother Recaps, Tyler Baltierra