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Birthdays, Birth Control & a Boozed-Up Barb – The Ashley’s Reality Roundup

Birthdays, Birth Control & a Boozed-Up Barb – The Ashley's Reality Roundup
A pleasant reminder of simply how lengthy we’ve been watching this practice wreck…be happy to hold your head in disgrace like the remainder of us…

Toss again an entire field of wine and throw inhibition and self respect out the window… it’s time for an additional episode of Teen Mother 2!

This week’s episode kicks off with Kail choosing up Lux and Lincoln from daycare—the latter of whom isn’t too thrilled to be filming for the present. (He didn’t need to movie however fortunately he didn’t go “all Jenelle” on the digital camera, refuse to movie and scream “Depart me alooone!”)

“You guys are nonetheless filming this rubbish hearth?”

Kail tells Lincoln that they are going to be celebrating Issac’s birthday later that day, together with Jo and Vee, who’re recent off of Kail’s hit listing (at the very least for this scene…)

Earlier than the celebration, we verify in with the couple as they talk about the current youngster help dialogue that they had with Kail. Jo and Vee admit they have been each stunned that Kail introduced the elusive (and oh-so-eloquent) Chris together with her. Jo is much more shocked that Chris ended up siding with him on a lot of the points as an alternative of siding with Kail. (Anybody else assume Chris might have realized he was getting a glimpse into his future?)

“Why did she even deliver him? He’s clearly on Jo’s aspect!” Vee snorts.

“We child daddies have to stay collectively! Perhaps when there’s a number of extra of us, we will begin a ‘Kail Child Daddy’ baseball workforce or one thing!”

Jo stated that, as a result of Chris and Vee have been current, Kail was pressured to take heed to him and never get loopy.

(He additionally legit says “There have been witnesses!” I feel that’s good.)

Vee tells Jo that his tactic to get his cash was drastic, and that if she have been in Kail’s footwear, “I might’ve f**ked you up.”

Jo tells her he “would’ve favored it.”

BRB— should go upchuck my lunch on the considered Jo and Vee gettin’ tough within the sack. Figuring out that Jo has had intercourse a minimum of two occasions in his life is tough sufficient to abdomen, however picturing him getting roughed up by Vee is simply an excessive amount of.

Again at Kail’s home, some decorations are strewn (and youngsters are operating round in all places). Becky (nonetheless rocking that trendy white hair) arrives to assist blow up birthday balloons/take heed to Kail bitch.  Becky is stunned– however relieved— to listen to that Kail made up with Jo and Vee, however is skeptical that Kail has actually referred to as truce and isn’t planning some type of sneak assault or one thing.

“Why do I really feel like in every week you’re gonna be calling me to purchase a ski masks and a shovel that will help you take out Jo?”

Down in Florida, Brittany and Roxanne are enjoying hide-n-go-seek with Stella (which isn’t a lot of a problem, contemplating they’re enjoying in an condominium that’s already stacked to the ceiling with toys, furnishings, child daddies and different assorted individuals.)

Briana meets up together with her good friend “Shirley” (who, might I level out, has maintained her Dr. Miami physique swap fairly properly). They’re principally there to rag on Luis and his poor makes an attempt at fatherhood. Briana says that not a lot has modified, although Luis is now lurking round her zip code.

She mentions that Luis met up together with her and Stella on the park, terrified the child so badly that she just about crammed up an entire diaper on the spot, after which disappeared once more. (To be truthful, Stella– and her Pampers–are in all probability completely satisfied for his absence.)

“The one factor decrease than Luis’ parenting makes an attempt are Brittany’s expectations of ever having her personal room.”

In an try to seek out the silver lining on this mess of a state of affairs, “Shirley” factors out to Briana that at the very least Devoin is stepping up. Briana tells her that Devoin is a half-ass dad or mum too (though he at the very least is aware of higher than to make these terrifying faces Luis was making at Stella.)

Regardless of his shortcomings, Briana says she plans to enlist Devoin’s assist in getting Nova to and from “ginn-astics” whereas she’s in New York for her boyfriend John’s “birrfday.”

(Hopefully Devoin has some kind of punch card together with his favourite Uber driver, in any other case this week of babysitting his personal daughter goes to get costly actual quick.)

When it’s a must to settle free of charge sushi as an alternative of an invitation to a birrfday celebration in New York.

Briana tells “Shirley” she’s prepared for John to satisfy Nova and Stella, however we’re much more all in favour of watching John meet Brittany, her huge mouth and her crop prime. (In the meantime, Roxanne might be devoting an hour or so a day to sharpening the stilettos of her favourite pink heels….you realize, simply in case she doesn’t look after John.)

Later, Briana lands in New York and is greeted by John, who, in line with Briana, is “virtually 30” now that he’s 27. (Umm…?) 

We subsequent head over to West Virginia. Now that Leah has her dang ol’ carpet fastened up, she and the girlses have been squatting at Jason’s home rather less. Nevertheless, Leah nonetheless hustles the girlseseses over to Jason’s pad so she will get herself a lil’ pickle tickle when she wants it. 

“Hold on a sec, I gotta replace the delivery tackle for my auto-delivery of sugar packets.”

Leah tells us that dwelling with Jason has introduced her and the girlseses and Jason “nearer collectively.”

Leah– who’s sporting a “sweet raver circa 1999” necklace for some cause, chats together with her sister Victoria concerning the wonderfulness that’s Jason.

Whereas holding her child niece Cerenity (these unwell faculties strike once more!), Leah says the gosh-dern climate might pressure her and the girlseseses to pack up their items and crash with Jason for a bit… however only for security causes, y’all!

“Proper Leah… and if that’s true, we will fake that I do know the right option to spell Cerenity.”

“The girlseses, they love staying there!” Leah insists, even if each Ali and Victoria are giving her the stink eye. 

“They love stayin’ there! They tried to take all their stuff there!” Leah says.

In the meantime, Ali is completely silent, though her face alone tells us she’s clearly not a fan of shackin’ up with Mama at Jason’s place.

The subsequent day Leah decides it’s time for her to get on some contraception as an alternative of getting to select up Plan B on the reg. Armed together with her field of Donettes (that she should have someway strong-armed away from Addie) and a can of Mountain Dew, Leah “stands in her energy” and takes management of her fertility!

When the one pharmacist within the holler is aware of you by identify…

Earlier than heading to the physician, Leah calls up her good friend Kylie to inform her that recently she’s been utilizing Plan B “as wanted.”


She says she’s scared to attempt these dern contraception tablets once more, as a result of if she misses a day, she might find yourself with one other child (or two!) and she or he’s not prepared for that. Leah says though she’s not wanting so as to add to her broad of Lunchable eaters in the meanwhile, she’s open to the thought down the (in all probability dust) street.

Over in South Dakota, Chelsea is telling pal Tyler about her newest enterprise into the world of diaper-bag designing. The subsequent day, we see Cole and Chelsea meet with the an organization’s designers to select which mixtures of flannel, hunter inexperienced and wildlife-print they like one of the best. 

Their first “collab” with the corporate shall be a “Boss Backpack”…regardless of the hell meaning…

“So what number of occasions can we match ‘Mother AF’ on this factor?”

Whereas that is all nicely and good…there are individuals lighting crap on hearth and making dying threats on this present so let’s transfer proper alongside to one thing extra trashy…

Talking of the ‘Teen Mother 2’ resident pyromaniac, it’s time to examine in with Jenelle. Within the wake of her “peace gathering” bonfire on The Land, Jenelle is getting a variety of hate on-line and it’s completely stressing her out, dude.

(Did anybody catch The Ashley‘s tweet showing on this scene?! Was anybody else enthusiastic about it? Simply me? OK…)

How are you gonna play The Ashley like that MTV and blur out her emblem?!

Due to this, Jenelle and Barb determine to make a journey to Atlanta to de-stress/give the producers a backdrop aside from that random park they maintain filming in.

Jenelle tells Barb that David was “kinda upset” that she was happening a woman’s weekend together with her mother, and that this journey would be the longest she’s been away from David’s grip since they’ve been collectively. Jenelle says that David warned her to not “decide up any dudes.”

“David? Upset? Ya don’t say!”

Um…I don’t assume that line up to now Jenelle is forming any time quickly, Dave. You’re in all probability protected. She’s all yours.

Jenelle and Barb arrive at their (very lived-in) weekend rental condo and lament on the times they didn’t get together with one another. Barb says “it’s fabulous” that she and Jenelle are on good phrases and eventually have some free time collectively.

“We’ve by no means been on a visit alone as a result of Jace was all the time there!” Barb cackles. (Jenelle appears to only keep in mind at that second that Jace truly exists.)

“Oh, yeah!” Jenelle replies.

Jenelle says that she and Barbara have simply “had their very own issues happening” since she was pregnant with Jace (which was ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO!). 

“Or I used to be going by means of a nasty time,” Jenelle says.

Or, you recognize, Barb was shoveling your Perpetually 21 tank tops into laundry baskets and throwing them out onto the entrance garden screaming “GET OUT! GET OUT!” after she noticed ya wif Kieffer however, you recognize, no matter…

Subsequent, Jenelle begins speaking about Kail and the way obsessed she is with gossiping about The Land dwellers on her podcast.

“Dude, she’s simply jealous of my nice marriage and pristine status.”

“I simply need to stay a extra personal life just a little bit like, rattling,” Jenelle says, utterly ignoring the truth that she has a digital camera crew 4 ft in entrance of her.

Again in West Virginia, Leah and Jason (who clearly had nothing higher to do) are on the gynecologist’s workplace speaking about contraception choices with a seemingly very nervous physician. (Apparently that is the primary time a teen mother actuality TV star needs to speak about her vagina on-camera with him. Go determine.)

The Doc tells Leah that she has a uterine anomaly referred to as a “bicornuate uterus” which makes it arduous for her to get an IUD.

“You hear that, Jason? I obtained certainly one of them particular uteruseseses! It’s Bi-Capricorn!”

The Doc then suggests Leah get a “rod in her arm” to assist shield her from having extra girlseseses. Leah says she’s afraid to get one in every of them rods as a result of she’s scared she’ll decide at it.”


Even the physician is confused as to why Leah can be pickin’ at her arm rod. (I imply…this is West Virginia, although, the place face pickin’ and meth usin’ is principally the state’s official pastime so perhaps that’s it?)

Leah and Jason depart the physician’s workplace and return to his place to (in all probability bang the hell out of her bicornuate uterus) and talk about contraception choices. Leah says she’s bummed the physician couldn’t repair her up with an IUD.

“It lastededed for a very long time!” Leah says.

These faculties….so unwell…

Again in Delaware, It’s time for Isaac’s birthday celebration to get underway. Jo, Vee and Vivi  arrive to rejoice with them and whereas sitting on the sofa making an attempt to made small speak, the producer forces the group (properly, Kail and Jo) to relive what they have been doing 9 years in the past that day.

“Kail was pushing out a toddler,” Jo says. (And, in fact, we got the present that’s the basic Kail quote, “Maintain my foot Jo!”) 

“It was agonizing!” Jo remembers of that foot-holding second.

We’re then hit with some flashbacks from Issac’s start—fortunately not from Jo’s mother’s video, which Kail reveals was a “crotch shot.”

Steven Spielberg might by no means.

After speaking about how painful Issac’s start was for Kail and everybody whose hand she held that day, Jo brags that he noticed Isaac’s penis first.

Nope…nothing creepy or awkward about this dialog in any respect…

The group gathers round Isaac to sing completely satisfied birthday, sadly with no beat from former-rapper Jo.

“Sorry there isn’t any cash in your card… I needed to take it out to provide to your dad final week.”

Again in Atlanta, BFFs Jenelle and Barb head out to buy berets, Spanx and different goodies…as you do. Afterwards, the 2 head again to the rental and bust out the wine, which, a lot to Barb’s dismay, is available in a bottle and never “with a spout” the best way she prefers.

Barb restrains herself and drinks the wine from a glass, somewhat than proper from the bottle as she usually would. Jenelle chooses to drink the “extra classier” beer.

“Properly I assume we ain’t playin’ slap the bag tonight.”

A short while later, Jenelle and Barb determine to leap on Instagram Stay to share all of the enjoyable they’re having in Hotlanta with Jenelle’s followers. It’s a science experiment, actually, as a result of Jenelle says that Barb merely needs to understand how the “InstaBook Face” works.

Because the wine flows and the Instagram digital camera rolls, Barbs treats viewers to some dancing, a Saturday Night time Reside intro and even learns what “YOLO” means, courtesy of Jenelle and her stylish collarbone tat.

Ultimately, Jenelle provides Brittany DeJesus to the chat and the three of them speak about plans for the subsequent time they’re all collectively. The women recommend all of them exit consuming, to which Barb provides, “after which we’ll all get lit and we’ll go kill Kail.”

(See youngsters, that is what occurs whenever you begin hanging out with individuals from The Land.)

Quickly after, Barb will get a name from a really sad Producer Kristen who tells Barb she must apologize for the remark she made about Kail. She explains which you could’t threaten to kill individuals on the InstaBook Face as a result of actually hundreds of individuals simply witnessed it. Throughout Barb’s stern talking-to, Jenelle retains the Instagram Reside video rolling and laughs off the state of affairs by way of slurred phrases. The entire thing is a multitude, very similar to Jenelle and everybody she associates herself with.

Ultimately Barb rejoins the video and says individuals took her remark “out of potential.” She goes on to say that she was solely “doin’ a joke,” and Jenelle tries responsible the incident on her mother being a part of the “older era.” She says individuals can’t recognize one thing like a lighthearted demise menace.

“I used to be solely doin’ a joke! No less than I didn’t go and marry one like Juhnelle did.”

Over in West Virginia, Leah lastly will get her contraception, regardless of her “two-horned” uterus, and has determined the Nuva Ring is the only option for her. In fact, Victoria needs to know why she doesn’t simply tie up her tubes to cease the baby-making.

Leah says she’s maintaining her choices open, which frankly isn’t a nasty concept. In any case, you don’t know if you may want a greater story line sooner or later. So long as Leah chooses one other being pregnant over revisiting that entire motivational talking factor, we’re on board.

“This could’t be proper! This right here pamphlet says the Nuva Ring goes in your cooter, NOT in your finger!? What within the Sam Hell?!”

Again in Delaware, Producer Kristen visits Kail to do some injury management after Barb and Jenelle’s “Instagram Stay fiasco.” Kail admits that she doesn’t truly assume Barb goes to stalk her and kill her at the hours of darkness, with Jenelle, Brittany DeJesus and a field of wine in tow, however she’s nonetheless pissed off that the present’s producers are permitting forged members to death-threat one another and whatnot.

Kail says that an apology from Barb (or her “bitch-of-a-daughta”) isn’t going to occur, and can be meaningless anyway. Producer Kristen seems to be like she’s able to go right down to North Carolina and hit Barb with a field of wine herself for stirring up some a lot hassle for her!

Down in Florida, Devoin is “taking good care of” Nova, which consists of Nova telling him to scrub his palms and ensuring he stays off of Brittany’s favourite sofa cushion. Briana Face-Occasions Nova to make sure she continues to be alive and has all of her limbs.

“My mother higher pay me for babysitting you this weekend.”

In the meantime in New York, Briana places John’s associates to work adorning a lodge room whereas she (AKA MTV) treats him to a birrfday dinner. Over dinner, Briana tells John she likes the tempo they’re shifting at and the subsequent step is for him to satisfy her household. John tells Briana he’s nervous about assembly her mother. (Roxanne has been recognized to terrify a degenerate boyfriend through the years, in any case.)

Bri tells John she joyful to have an actual relationship, as a result of all her different relationships have been “flings.” (I’m unsure you possibly can label “getting banged in ‘da membership’ rest room by some random dude and getting knocked up” a “fling” however no matter will get ya via the night time, Bri!)

After dinner, John and Briana stroll into the lodge to seek out John’s buddies ready to shock him/rating their 15 minutes of fame.

Again in Atlanta, Barb and Jenelle are nonetheless in disbelief over the fallout they acquired from their video. Barb is particularly confused by the backlash. She says she tells Jace she’s going to kill him on a regular basis and he will get it.

I feel that’s good…

Jenelle agrees with Barb that the remark was made “in a humorous tone.” They each determine Kail is simply jealous of them and the fantastic mother-daughter bond that they’ve… all two weeks of it.

“Properly Juhnelle, they hate us trigger they ain’t us… I stated I used to be simply doin’ a joke!”

Till subsequent time!

To learn The Ashley’s different ‘Teen Mother 2’ recaps, click on right here!

(Photographs: MTV)

Adam Lind, Barbara Evans, Briana DeJesus, Brittany DeJesus, Chelsea Houska, Chris Lopez, Cole DeBoer, David Eason, Devoin Austin, Jason Jordan, Jenelle Evans, Jo Rivera, Kail Lowry, Leah Messer, Luis Miguel, MTV, Teen Mother 2, Teen Mother 2 Recaps, Vee Torres