(Notice: Sure, The Ashley is aware of that is final week’s episode…some day she is going to compensate for recapping…)
It’s been some time since The Ashley went down the MTV trash TV rabbit gap and recapped an episode of Teen Mother OG, so let’s open up this garbage can and see what our gals (and their beaus, ex-beaus, youngsters and unusually named siblings) are as much as this week!
The episode begins off in Tennessee, the place Maci is heading to her former TTM Dream Residence to meet up with her good friend Katie, who occurs to be squatting there in the meanwhile.
“How does it really feel being on this home?” Katie asks Maci. “Does it look acquainted?”
Um…in all probability, being that it’s actually Maci’s home. Katie must get higher at arising with the random good friend small speak. That is simply embarrassing.
When Maci’s already three minutes into her phase and no one’s introduced up Ryan but….
Maci tells Katie that she and Taylor are in search of land (to not be confused with “The Land,” in fact…) to purchase and construct a home on. They need a spot that their household can’t outgrow, regardless of what number of occasions Maci needs to play “I didn’t know I used to be pregnant!”
Maci declares that, as soon as she finds the proper home, she’s going to make like Amber on her sofa and won’t ever depart it.
Later, Maci is busy searchin’ the InterWebs to seek out the right home for her ever-expanding household. Maci is aware of that she and Taylor are one drunken Bud-Mild-filled night time away from needing one other nursery, so she needs to ensure the home she chooses is giant sufficient to accommodate all of their present and future Oopsie Infants!
“Have you learnt how a lot leather-pocketed crap we’re gonna should promote to afford a brand new home!?”
She discovers a big home on 7 acres that tickles her fancy. It’s obtained a pool, a bunch of bedrooms and a whole constructing out again to retailer the household’s beer provide. Maci is beginning to rethink their plan to purchase land and construct their dream residence, and thinks that she and Taylor ought to go examine the home out.
They drive on the market and we see that the home sits in the midst of a neighborhood and is principally the most important home within the space. It seems like a type of ‘Actual Housewives’ star homes. (The one factor that’s misplaced is the oddly painted circus ceilings, which can or might not have been painted by Jenelle throughout a very productive drug binge. Significantly– there needs to be some type of pharmaceutical rationalization for these issues!)
However, you realize…teen being pregnant is dangerous…and stuff…
They barrel their purple Jeep (um?) down the event and are thrilled that the realtor “occurred” to have the ability to meet with them ASAP. (The realtor ain’t no idiot– she is aware of these LSD-inspired ceilings are going to be a troublesome promote to anybody…besides perhaps people who find themselves well-known for getting knocked up at 16.)
Sadly, the home’s present proprietor is just not eager on slumming it on a trashy MTV actuality present, so Maci and Taylor usually are not allowed to movie inside the home.
Once they get again into their purple Jeep, Taylor and Maci each agree that they like the home.
When the house proprietor noticed them getting out of this purple Jeep, he knew he had discovered good purchaser for his circus home…
Taylor says that he likes that every thing in the home is trendy, up-to-date and fashionable. (We will collect from their Barney-colored automotive that these two are all about “the category!”)
In the meantime, in Alaska, Bristol is visiting her household whereas her son Tripp is shootin’ moose (Meese? Mooses?) together with his dad Levi.
Bristol and a Pack ‘o’ Palins head up the river to go salmon fishing.
“Hey guys, lookit! I feel I see Russia over there!”
Whereas out on the boat, Bristol talks about how thrilled she is to be rid of Dakota (and his sweaty bangs), and declares that she is going to in all probability by no means remarry. Bristol says that she principally married ol’ Drippy Bangs as a result of she felt ashamed as a result of she acquired knocked up with Tripp and she or he needed to truly be married the subsequent time a toddler squeezed from her loins.
Bristol’s good friend encourages her to only stay in sin the subsequent time round and to not signal that marriage certificates! Bristol says she’s not even positive anybody would even need to marry her now.
If you’re fishing for consideration…
Regardless that Bristol doesn’t need any extra husbands, she calls for that her sister Piper and pal Marina permit her to select their husbands. (Does anybody in Alaska have a reputation that’s not a noun?! SERIOUSLY.)
Over in Indiana, Amber is residence from her “superstar” boxing occasion and is beginning to really feel excited once more about hitting individuals on the common.
(Did you hear that thundering noise? That’s Gary operating for his life.)
Someplace in Indiana, Gary simply peed himself a bit…
Fortunately, Amber goes to buck her normal beat-down strategies of kicking individuals down stairs and throwing electrical home equipment at their head. As an alternative, she needs to proceed doing Combined Martial Arts.
She says that exercising has been useful for her to handle her bipolar and melancholy.
“Piss me off and also you’ll actually see what these fists can do, Andrew!”
Amber (wearing her previous sweatpants from jail) meets with an MMA coach who takes her by way of a full exercise. The final time we noticed Amber sweat this a lot, she was ready to listen to the outcomes of Matt‘s polygraph check!
As Amber is understanding, Andrew is sitting with the infant and admiring Amber’s jail beat-down expertise! He might need to begin sporting a cup always. You already know…security first!
“You let her follow hitting stuff? Oh, good luck with that one, Andrew!”
In the meantime, Gary can also be occupied with security. The truth is, he needs to make sure that he can hump his means right into a bladder an infection with out having to fret about getting his spouse Kristina pregnant anymore!
That’s proper youngsters… Gary is getting a vasectomy. And we get to listen to all about it!
Has this what this present has come to? Have issues gotten so dangerous that the one potential story line includes Gary Shirley’s man elements getting snipped?! SIGH.
Gary meets with the Dr. Donald, who pulls out a chart of the male copy system to elucidate what he’s going to do to Gary’s elements. (I imply…this is identical man who as soon as tried to make use of PLASTIC WRAP as an alternative of a condom, so I feel it might be mandatory to incorporate some visible aids…)
“And proper right here is the place the illegitimate youngsters come from…”
Each time Dr. Donald says the phrase “testicle,” Gary bursts out laughing. When Dr. Donald says that he might want to put a rubber band round Gary’s penis to do the process, Gary seems instantly on the digital camera, Clarissa-Explains-It-All-style and provides us a look to tell us he’s not thrilled that anybody goes close to his trouser snake.
Gary is worried that each one the snippings will change how intercourse feels for him. (Thanks MTV. Now I can’t get the picture of Gary humping out of my head.)
“I’ve gotta get my freak on, too, you realize!”
We head as much as Michigan, the place Cheyenne is with Cory visiting his household. (Hopefully she made sufficient time to swing by April‘s humble abode and say good day. I imply, in case you don’t go to April, did you even go to the Mitten State?!)
Cory needs all his associates to satisfy Ryder (and his new MTV digital camera crew, clearly), so he’s placing collectively a fiesta. As he chomps away at some type of deli meat sandwich, he tells his mother who shall be attending the shindig.
Cory then slips in (pun meant) the truth that he invited Lauren…
…who’s his ex-girlfriend
…whom he dated for seven years.
Everybody thinks it’s bizarre that Cory’s hanging out together with his ex-girlfriend. Cory even admits that he all the time figured that, if he was going to knock anybody up, it will have been Lauren! (How this Lauren resisted procreating with Cory I’ll by no means know. I imply, all lady dream of the day they will make a child with a dude who talks whereas he chews, proper?)
“What woman wouldn’t need a piece of THIS?!”
Cheyenne is just not actually taking note of the dialog Cory’s having together with his mother…till his mother casually states, “For those who needed to have a child with Lauren, she’d in all probability be OK with that…”
Cheyenne is out of the blue all ears, obvious at Cory from the opposite room.
Additionally…how determined is that this Lauren chick?! Is she simply sitting there in Michigan, legs open, able to be spawned by Cory? Jesus God Leah.
Cory wanders into the room the place Cheyenne is, and she or he asks him to elucidate why his (apparently determined to be impregnated) ex-girlfriend can be on the get together.
“Step away from the child daddy, biotch!”
We then study that Lauren is definitely the Lauren who appeared on The Actual World with Cory years in the past. When you have been one of many dozens of people that watched the season of ‘The Actual World’ that Cory was on, you may keep in mind than Lauren took a being pregnant check whereas in the home with Cory and it got here again constructive.
(She have to be actually kicking herself, eh? Had she waited a couple of months and acquired herself knocked up by Cory, she might have scored the spot on ‘Teen Mother!’)
Regardless of Lauren’s preliminary claims, Cory is, within the phrases of Maury Povich, “NOT THE FATHER.”
Oh, by all means, let’s invite this woman and her clearly fruitful loins to the celebration! Cory may have her pregnant by the point the appetizers come out!
“I imply…that’s in all probability true…”
In the meantime, in one other a part of Michigan, Catelynn is regaling us with the story of the current “Couple’s Retreat” she went to with Tyler— in personal!– to work on their marriage.
Catelynn tells Nova all concerning the “child in her tummy,” and divulges that she is getting ready Duncan Hines’ best baked items in preparation for a gender reveal get together that’s being held the subsequent day. Nova assures Catelynn that she is going to love the brand new child, regardless if it’s a boy or a woman.
The identical might not be capable of be stated for Tyler, who has made it very clear that Catelynn higher not shoot one other feminine spawn from her loins. He needs a boy, dammit!
Catelynn later tells us that this new child was, in fact, an “oopsie child.” Since her marriage to Tyler is principally in the bathroom at this level, they weren’t planning to deliver one other child into the combination, however, hey, accidents occur…on a regular basis…on this present…about stopping undesirable pregnancies.
I’d think about that is what it seemed just like the second Tyler realized he screwed up his plan to flee his marriage by getting Cate pregnant once more…
Tyler has introduced that he needs to attempt dwelling aside from Catelynn for a month. Catelynn has accepted his determination, however just isn’t glad about it.
Cate explains that, whereas on the couples’ retreat, they realized that they’ve been collectively for approach too a few years and by no means obtained to expertise anything.
Everybody’s counselor and remedy horse is on board with the trial separation. Tyler says that as quickly as the development is completed on their new home, he’s high-tailing it over to Singlesville…at the very least for some time, anyway.
Whenever you’re so near freedom you could virtually style it…
They begin uttering their “remedy speak” forwards and backwards like they’re in some bizarre mental-health-themed rap battle. Tyler says he didn’t need to harm Cate’s “core wounds,” whereas Cate states that she is making an attempt to watch out and keep away from her “triggers.”
Cate then reminds Tyler that him leaving her is principally the identical as him dying, and that it’ll deliver up all of the dangerous emotions she nonetheless has from her miscarriage, abusive childhood, dealings with Farrah, and so forth. She reminds him that he’s inflicting her numerous stress by doing this.
“All I’m asking for is ONE MONTH the place I don’t have to listen to anybody speak about their triggers! PLEASE!”
Again in Tennessee, Maci and Taylor put a suggestion in for the home, and it will get accepted virtually instantly. They waste no time packing their household treasures for the transfer. (Let’s hope they purchased sufficient bubble wrap to securely transport their assortment of “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, FLOOR” shot glasses.)
Maci begins to get all sentimental as she packs up the home.
“Maverick was born right here,” she says sadly.
“I set my beer bong document at this right here home…”
Taylor busts out a number of philosophical jewels.
“Each time a chapter closes one other one begins,” he declares. (Um? Did he steal that from Jenelle and Nathan? It feels like one thing that “dramastic” couple would say.)
Over in Alaska, Bristol realizes she hasn’t monopolized sufficient of the conversations together with her pals, so she drags Marina to a random park so she will take heed to her bitch about her life.
“Oh, I’m advantageous Bristol, thanks for NOT asking…”
Bristol claims that Dakota advised her that her mother and father and associates all hated her, all as a result of he needed to regulate her. She pouts as a result of she’s caught dwelling in Texas on account of her divorce and may’t go house to stay in Alaska.
Again in Indiana, it’s time for Gary’s manhood to be chopped. He truthfully seems like he’s about to cry, and admits to Kristina that he’s not completely snug going beneath the knife. Nonetheless, he’s agreed to bear the process.
“And I assumed the thought of Amber taking boxing classes was scary!”
Gary hops in his automotive and drives right down to Ye Olde Vasectomy Shoppe. He goes in and the physician provides him some kind of jock strap to put on. They present all the scissors and instruments that can be used to snip Gary’s pipes and truthfully, I’m terrified. Are we going to go within the working room and watch this occur? I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS.
Gary lays on the working desk and the physician begins the process.
My face once I realized they have been actually going to point out Gary getting snipped….
They present Dr. Donald down in Gary’s no-nos, and we hear…chopping. Fortunately we’re spared a shot of Gary’s precise man items, however we do get to listen to him squeal in ache.
Later, he heads residence, jock strap in place, and complains about how tight his underwear are. He describes the process intimately, right down to that particular, kicked-in-the-balls feeling he’s experiencing.
That’s it! I’ve discovered means an excessive amount of about Gary’s nether area this episode. #NeverAgain
“My baby-maker hurts…”
Over at Amber’s home, Amber is complaining that having Child James completely tousled her abdomen.
“Truly hitting one thing helps relieve stress,” Amber says as Andrew appears barely frightened.
He recommends Amber will get a few of these “detox teas” to assist her lose the child weight. He says that he plans to limit her from consuming all unhealthy meals, and Amber reminds Ol’ Andy that he doesn’t precisely have a supermodel physique himself.
We head again to Michigan, the place Cory’s get together is in full swing. Everybody’s sporting their best white denims and is having an excellent time. Lauren has, in fact, proven up and Cheyenne is just not thrilled.
“Simply so you already know…I haven’t been on itsyoursexlife.com in a LONG time…if you realize what I imply!”
Lauren is telling Cory how proud she is of him (for knocking up Cheyenne?) and retains rubbing up towards him, all whereas Cheyenne glares on the two of them.
Later, Lauren says her goodbyes. Cheyenne appears relieved to see her go. She fakes pleasantries with Lauren after which will get all catty whereas wanting instantly into the digital camera.
That is ‘Actual Housewives’ degree of cattiness…
Cheyenne, stylish as all the time, talks crap on Lauren after she leaves. (Hey a minimum of Cheyenne didn’t put on her thong bathing go well with to this household social gathering, so there’s that…she’s upped the category degree slightly!)
Later, a few of Cory’s associates try to persuade him to “kick it with” (aka bone the Bejesus out of) Cheyenne. Cory says it wouldn’t be value risking their co-parenting relationship so as to hump like rabbits. Over within the different nook, Cheyenne is chatting with a few of the women about the identical matter. She says they’re “greatest pals” and don’t want to start out banging and mess that up.
“On ‘The Problem,’ he was like a God to me,” Cheyenne says.
Properly…that positive obtained my abdomen churning…
“I’m a golden god!”
Cheyenne says that the women on ‘The Problem’ warned her to not “kick it with” Cory, and she or he later came upon it was as a result of half of these women had already slept with him. There’s a great probability that half of the women at this celebration have additionally gone to the boneyard with Cory. I hope they included some penicillin in these celebration goodie luggage!
Chey and Cory speak about how everybody needs them to get collectively, however Cory is worried that Cheyenne’s boyfriend Zach will come again into her life. Cheyenne assures Cory that she’s carried out with Zach, as a result of Zach tried to make her selected between him and Cory.
“Oh come on, child, you recognize you’d like one other two minutes of the recent Cory lovin’!”
The sexual rigidity between them is thick sufficient that you might minimize it with Gary’s vasectomy scalpel! They should simply bang it out already so we will transfer this story line alongside!
Elsewhere in Michigan, Catelynn is upset, however she is placing her greatest face ahead as a result of it’s time for his or her gender reveal celebration. Producer Kiki jumps in Cate’s automotive they usually head off to the get together, chatting alongside the best way about how a lot of a dumpster hearth Cate’s marriage to Tyler is.
“If this child seems to be a woman, he’s going bounce on my remedy horse and gallop away!”
Catelynn tells Producer Kiki that she and Tyler gained’t be seeing different individuals throughout their “trial separation.”
“I used to be simply getting super-triggered about my childhood trauma and feeling like he was going to desert me,” Catelynn says.
As soon as they attain the park (the place apparently all ‘Teen Mother’ gender reveal events have to be held, for some purpose), the standard suspects begin displaying as much as have fun the infant/eat their physique weight in free Farmer John scorching canine.
April’s there, as is Cate’s brother Nick, and few random youngsters in bathing fits. They bring about out the pinata and are anxious to seek out out in the event that they’re about to have a boy…or if Tyler’s about to have an enormous ol’ tantrum.
They pull the twine and— what do ya know?— pink streamers come pouring out, signaling that Cate’s having a woman. Tyler throws his head again in disgust as Cate shouts, “I don’t need one other woman!” The one one that appears even remotely completely satisfied is April (however, once more, there are free scorching canine so…)
“Are you able to identify her April? I feel April Butchina has a pleasant ring to it!”
“He might solely be capable of have women!” Tyler’s mother Kim says, a lot to Tyler’s dismay.
After they get the “good” information, Catelynn’s grandma sits with Cate and brings the social gathering down much more. She says she was simply fascinated with Catelynn’s miscarriage, and the way it put Cate “over the sting.”
Gee, thanks for the reminiscences, Granny!
That’s not all Granny needs to talk about. She subsequent asks Cate how her marriage is, forcing Catelynn to speak concerning the trial separation. On the similar time, Tyler is off explaining to Kim how the separation will work. She asks Tyler if he’s wanting ahead to being on his personal. He instantly says “Sure!” however then backtracks a bit so he doesn’t appear to be a jerk.
“Who, me? No, I’m not wanting ahead to the separation….by no means…”
That’s all for this episode! Till subsequent time!
To learn The Ashley’s earlier ‘Teen Mother OG’ recap, click on right here!
Alaska, Amber Portwood, April Baltierra, Bristol Palin, Catelynn Lowell, Cheyenne Floyd, Cory Wharton, Gary Shirley, Kristina Shirley, Maci Bookout, Piper Palin, Actual Property, Recaps, Surgical procedures, Taylor McKinney, Teen Mother, Teen Mother Infants, Teen Mother OG, Teen Mother OG Season 7B, Teen Mother Recaps, Tyler Baltierra